Praise That Helps Raise Confident Children

Developmental and clinical psychologist perspectives have shifted substantially over the last 20–30 years away from heavy use of generic praise (“good job!” for everything) and toward what is often called process-based, autonomy-supportive, and internally focused feedback.

The goal is not to avoid praise altogether. The goal is to help children develop internal motivation, emotional resilience, confidence based on effort and values rather than approval, realistic self-esteem, and self-awareness instead of praise dependence. Self-determination theory researchers have strongly influenced modern parenting psychology in this area.

Different Kinds of Praise

Praise that Builds Confidence is Usually:

• Specific
• Sincere
• Connected to effort, choices, persistence, or values
• Moderate rather than excessive
• Focused on the child’s internal experience

Praise that Can Backfire is Often:

• Vague
• Exaggerated
• Constant
• Performance-only
• Dependent on adult approval
• Tied to fixed identity labels

Why Psychologists Moved Away From “Good Job”

Many psychologists are not against “good job” occasionally. The issue is overuse.

When every action gets praise children may begin performing for approval, intrinsic motivation can weaken, children may become approval-seeking, they may fear mistakes or failure, and self-worth can become externally dependent.

Research in motivational or positive psychology suggests that children develop stronger long-term resilience when adults help them notice their own effort, their own satisfaction, and their own problem-solving rather than relying entirely on adult evaluation.

For example, instead of saying “Good job drawing!” one can say “You spent a long time adding details to that drawing,” or “You look proud of what you made.”

That subtly shifts the focus from “Did the adult approve?” to “What did I notice, learn, feel, or accomplish?”

Praise That Helps Raise Confident Children

Process Praise Focuses on Effort, Strategy, or Persistence

Research shows that children tend to become more resilient when they are praised for effort, problem-solving, persistence, flexibility, and learning.

Example:

“You kept trying even when that was frustrating.”

Why it helps:

• Teaches that abilities can grow
• Reduces fear of failure 
• Encourages perseverance

This aligns with growth mindset research.

Descriptive Praise Focuses on What One Observes.

Instead of judging the child (“amazing!”), describe what you observe.

Example:

“You organized all your school things without being reminded.”

This helps children:

• Build self-awareness
• Notice competence
• Internalize responsibility

It is psychologically more grounding than exaggerated praise.

Values-based Praise Focuses on Character and Values Rather than Achievement Alone

Examples:

• Kindness
• Honesty
• Courage
• Responsibility
• Thoughtfulness

Example:

“That was considerate of you to include him.”

This builds identity around internal values instead of performance.

Autonomy-Supportive Responses to Help Children Evaluate Themselves

Example:

“How did that feel for you?”

“What part are you most proud of?”

This strengthens:

• Self-reflection
• Internal confidence
• Emotional independence

When to Provide Praise

Praise is most effective when:

• It is genuine, earned, and connected to meaningful effort or growth.

Less effective when:

• It is automatic, nonstop, disconnected from actual behavior, used manipulatively, or is overinflated (“You’re the best artist ever!”).

Overpraise can actually increase anxiety in some children because they fear losing approval, they avoid difficult tasks, or they become perfectionistic. This is especially important for children who are anxious, perfectionistic, or neurodivergent children.

What to Say Instead of “Good Job” 

Instead of, “Good job," parents can try:

• “You worked really hard on that.” 
• “You didn’t give up.” 
• “You figured out a new way to do it.” 
• “You seem proud of yourself.” 
• “You stayed calm when it got frustrating.” 
• “You handled that responsibly.” 
• “You’re learning from your mistakes.”

These statements are meant to reinforce competence, build emotional insight, and avoid making approval the center of the interaction.

Five Psychologically Healthy Compliments for Kids

“You kept going even when it got difficult.”

This teaches children that persistence matters more than immediate success. It builds resilience and helps children tolerate frustration without seeing struggle as failure.

“You found your own way to solve that problem.”

This strengthens autonomy and problem-solving confidence. Children begin trusting their own thinking rather than depending entirely on adult direction.

“That was thoughtful and kind.”

This reinforces prosocial values instead of appearance or achievement alone. Over time, children build self-esteem connected to character and relationships.

“You really paid attention to the details.”

This encourages focus, care, and craftsmanship. It teaches children to value effort and intentionality rather than quick praise or shortcuts.

“You should feel proud of the work you put into that.”

This shifts the emotional reward inward. The child learns to connect pride to personal effort and self-evaluation instead of external applause.

Praise Phrases Psychologists Discourage

“You’re so smart.” 

This is one of the most discussed findings in growth mindset research. Children praised primarily for intelligence may avoid difficult tasks, may fear failure, or associate mistakes with being “not smart anymore.” The recommendation is to praise strategy, effort, and persistence instead of fixed traits.

“Good job!” 

Again, not harmful occasionally — but overused generic praise can create approval-seeking patterns.

If every minor behavior receives external evaluation, children may become dependent on praise, less internally motivated, and less self-reflective. Specific feedback is usually more psychologically beneficial.

“You’re the best” / “You’re perfect.”

Exaggerated praise can unintentionally create perfectionism, fear of disappointing adults, fragile self-esteem, or comparison-based identity which is already present with social media. Realistic confidence is favored over inflated self-esteem.

What Confident Children Hear Repeatedly

Research suggests that emotionally healthy confidence grows when children consistently hear messages like:

• “Mistakes are part of learning.”
• “You can handle hard things.”
• “Effort matters.”
• “Your feelings make sense.”
• “You don’t have to be perfect.”
• “I love you even when you struggle.”
• “You can try again.”
• “What do you think?”
• “I trust you to practice and improve.”

These messages build competence, emotional safety, internal motivation, realistic confidence, and resilience under stress which in turn lead to self reliance. The healthiest praise helps children gradually move from thinking: “Am I good because adults approve of me?” toward “I can trust myself, grow, contribute, and recover from mistakes.”